VI: 	A podcast by the Intergalactic Improv Initiative.
KAYA: 	Ride of the Valkyrie, Episode Two: Fish Flakes and Inkjet Printers. 
Featuring the voices of: Hans Cummings, Ché Grové, Chase Hutchison, Hunter LaPaglia, JD Kelly, Leah Ryan, and creator Kaya Renwick.
Have you eaten fish from the Presidium lake? No? Well…I Should Roll.
VI: 	March 14th, 2184, Terran Universal Coordinated Calendar. The Citadel, Widow System, Serpent Nebula.
JD:	Should we roll to see if any of us knows of someone with a ship?
KAYA:	That would be great. That would be a Networking roll. We have a skill for that.
HUNTER:	Woo!
CHÉ:	Oh.
CHASE:	Much better at that than Insight.
JD:	So, what you’re saying is I should roll.
CHASE:	[overlapping] I should roll.
HANS:	[overlapping] I should roll!
CHÉ:	[overlapping] You should roll.
KAYA:	You should roll. I—yes, that is exactly what I’m saying.
CHÉ:	[overlapping] Should we all roll? Okay.
JD:	[overlapping] [Yoda impression] Roll I should, hee hee hee.
CHÉ:	[overlapping] Aw. I got— Kaya—
JD:	[overlapping] I got a seven. So—
HUNTER:	[overlapping] I got a dirty twenty.
JD:	Ooh.
CHÉ:	Are we doing, uh, critical losses [giggle] in this campaign? [laughter] Asking for a friend.
[laughter]
KAYA:	[overlapping] Yes, crit fails do, do matter, yes.
CHÉ:	[overlapping] OK.
GRATCH:	[overlapping] Me too. I don’t know anyone.
[laughter]
HUNTER:	I was about to say: I ate shit, the first roll I did. So, yeah.
KAYA:	Yeah.
[laughter]
KAYA:	Uh, did anybody get, like, higher than a seven? What did you get?
HUNTER:	I got a twenty.
KAYA:	Hey! Okay, so hilariously, uh, the marine who said he didn’t have a ship actually knows someone with a ship.
HUNTER:	Damn right I do.
KAYA:	As we mentioned earlier, you have had a really shitty day.
HUNTER:	Yeah.
KAYA:	Uh, you got— you left Alliance HQ earlier today after a not fun conversation, uh, and you are— you went for a walk.
HUNTER:	Mmm.
KAYA:	Uh, and you walked through the docks, and because this was your first time on the Citadel— so this was your, this was your first time on the Citadel - an absolutely incredible place on a really shitty day and you had, you’re looking around like all these species that you’ve never seen before, growing up out in the sticks, uh, and you noticed that there was a turian who owns a ship. You noticed it because it was like not quite as shiny as the other ships maybe were. It didn’t have like a big crew working on it or anything, but I mean, you’ve seen—you know people who own ships, right? Like you’ve seen there, there’s, there’s like the used shipyard on Arvuna that you… You know people who know ships, and you could tell that this turian, like, loves this ship. Uh, and so you we-w-, everybody’s leaving Chora’s Den, going, “Well, where do we get a ship?” You’re like, “Hey! I know a guy.” And so you bring your new… friends?
[slow laughter]
HUNTER:	Question mark?
KAYA:	To the private merchant vessel docks on Aroch-Shalta Ward.
VI: 	Aroch-Shalta Ward, Private Docks.
KAYA:	Bean, would you please describe your ship?
BEAN:	Oh, well it’s real fine. It’s a treasure. Uh. Their name’s Valkyrie, and y’know, they got a little bit a rust on them, but underneath it all, real shiny. There’s just a lot, y’know, a lot of lived experience that they’ve been through, and uh, I think that, you know, that experience shows, and it’s beautiful, and it’s wonderful, and I love this ship.
KAYA:	What kind of ship is it?
BEAN:	Well, it’s kind of a amalgamation of several different ships that I might have encountered. Uh, its skeleton was, uh, a Shebla 3006, I think? Uh, but, y’know, there’s all sorts of parts decorated on her taken from various places, and I think it’s kinda like a patchwork quilt. Y’know, gives her, it gives her a certain charm. Gives her a fun little energy, a little different colors from different paints of different hues. Uh, different levels of rust [giggles], but that’s Valkyrie.
KAYA:	So when this motley crew rocks up, where is Bean, and what are they doing?
LEAH:	Bean is probably on the underbelly, [giggle] of the ship, [giggles], just, you know, muttering to themselves and toiling away, just grunting and, it sounds like they’re just tearing electrical out of this ship, and just, 
BEAN:	Oh, goddamn it, that last burn did not treat her well. Aw shit.
KAYA:	I love that the turian is using human slang.
LEAH:	Listen, I’ve been all over. [giggle]
[HUNTER laughs]
KAYA:	Uh, and also, I especially love this because, um, all the Citadel docks are open atmosphere. And so Bean is like, mass effect field generator EVA jetpack suit floating around underneath the ship and hauling shit out. I ju— I love this image. I love it so much. Okay, so as these folks come up to the docking platform, can you describe Bean?
LEAH:	Bean is a turian. Bean is up to their elbows in grease. Uh, underneath that grease, though, they’ve got a really nice pink and yellow jacket on. It’s very colorful, very Bean. And, uh, they’ve got some, uh, some yellow striping on their face, underneath their cheeks as well.
BEAN:	Howdy! H-h-how’re you all doing? Y-y-you came to see her, didn’t ya? [beaming with pride] Couldn’t resist, she’s just too pretty!
KACHE:	That has got to be the smallest quarian flotilla I’ve ever seen in my life.
BEAN:	Oh, comparing her to a flotilla. That’s so nice, thank you. Oh-ho. I like you. Imma keep you. What’s your name?
KACHE:	Kache.
BEAN:	Kache, Kache, Kache. That’s like a human idiom, isn’t it, for like credits?
KACHE:	Oh, uh, it’s spelled with a K. K-A-C-H-E.
BEAN:	Oh, I don’t wo-. I’m not too good with letters, so, don’t sweat it.
KACHE:	Oh, who needs ‘em?
BEAN:	Not me.
KAYA:	Are you still floating?
LEAH:	Ah, yeah. I’m gonna kinda descend. [Laughing] Oh man. 
BEAN:	Anyway, what brings y’all over to see Valkyrie here?
ZYN:	This one offers greetings. This one is in need of a ship for a very important mission.
BEAN:	Okay.
ZYN:	A mission of vital importance to the hanar people.
BEAN:	N-Now, hold on. This one’s name is Bean. Let’s start there. That on— that one? How do I address you?
ZYN:	This one’s Face Name is Zynamondan.
BEAN:	Zynamomdan. Okay. Uh. Zynama— Zynamom uh, f— Zyna, I’m gonna get it. [determined] I’m gon’ get it! [sounding it out] Zyn-a-mon-dan.
ZYN:	You may call this one “Zyn” if it is easier. 
BEAN:	Zyn. I like it. That’s catchy. Yeah. 
KACHE:	[overlapping] That’s much easier.
BEAN:	Thank you, Zyn. Now, you have a problem?
ZYN:	But not spelled like the wine.
BEAN:	Oh, okay. I’d— Iike I said, not, not a letters person, so don’t, don’t worry about that. I will not write it down anytime soon. Uh, and if I do, I’ll ask you, uh, to sound it out for me, very slowly. Um, anyway, uh, you had a problem?
ZYN:	Yes, this human whose name I failed to learn [Kaya snorts] and my, the rest of these fine beings are my erstwhile crew, most of whom I— most of whom this one did not properly introduce this one’s self to. This one has failed. [horrified] This one is terrible at this!
BEAN:	[overlapping] Wha? No, no, no, no! 
ZYN:	[overlapping] This one is Zynamondan, those of you who do not know who this one is.
BEAN:	[overlapping] This one can take breaths. Can you take breaths? Is that in your biology?
ZYN:	This one does not possess lungs.
BEAN:	Well, okay. Well, this one’s doin’ fine. We’re just gonna, you know, go in a circle and, and you’re Zyn, I’m Bean. We’ve established this. This is Kache, with, with not the right letters, and then, who are you guys?
TITOH:	Titoh.
GRATCH:	[interrupting] Gratch.
TITOH:	Yes.
GRATCH:	No, Gratch, Gratch go first. I’m Gratch.
BEAN:	Gratch.
GRATCH:	Gratch is Gratch. Gratch is strong. Okay. 
TITOH:	[interrupting] Okay, Gratch. Thank you. [pause] I’m Titoh. Pleasure.
CARVER:	Hi. I’m— I’m Carver. It’s wonderful to meet you.
ZYN:	Now that we are all introduced, this one is in need of a ship to, to chase a notorious thief that has stolen from the hanar people. And all of these gentle beings—though some of them are probably not gentle—have agreed to accompany this one to catch this notorious thief and make them return the purloined… artifact.
KACHE:	He’s promised some cre—
GRATCH:	[interrupting] We’re gonna find it!
KACHE:	Credits, treasure, and danger.
TITOH:	What he said.
GRATCH:	And then we’re gonna start blastin’. Blau, blau, blau, blau. [laser fire noises]
BEAN:	Okay. Well, there are plenty of ships on this dock to choose from, but you’ll find none as pretty as mine, uh, so, uh, are ya payin’?
[long pause] 
ZYN:	Someone is, yes.
[laughter]
BEAN:	O…kay. Is it like a half up front, other half later kind of situation? Or collect all at the end, or—
ZYN:	[overlapping] This one is certain that the docent of the Most Serene Blossom of the Mind’s Dawning will offer a most generous reward for the ret—
BEAN:	[overlapping] Is that like a brothel or something?
ZYN:	Pardon this one?
BEAN:	Uh, you said something about a, a, sorry, a “serene blossom”? Is that a brothel? It sounds nice. 
ZYN:	[flustered] It is not a… [decisive] It is not. It is a museum designed to enlighten all attendees as to the glory of the Enkindlers.
BEAN:	Yeah, that sounds like a brothel to me. [cheeky] I’ll be enlightened if you want me to be.
ZYN:	If you find enlightenment to be sexually gratifying, this one supposes that is… This one is not here to kinkshame.
[everyone figuratively dies laughing]
CHASE:	Is the hatch open? The loading dock ramp?
KAYA:	[wheezing] That’s up to Bean. Once Bean can breathe again.
LEAH:	[gasping] S—sorry! Yeah. Yeah. [gasping] The hatch is just kinda hangin’ open like a mouth. Oh, man.
GRATCH:	Gratch is tired. Gratch is gonna find a place to sleep.
CHASE:	Gratch just walks up the ramp into the boat, er, into the ship.
BEAN:	Okay, okay. Make yourself at home. Don’t hurt her.
KACHE:	I reckon a museum that’s like, the seasoned flower of the mind’s pantyhose or whatever’s probably got a little bit of credits on them.
BEAN:	That’s true. You, you’re picking up what I’m putting down.
ZYN:	Indeed. The docent is quite wealthy.
TITOH:	And if not, we’ll find our own credits.
KACHE:	Treasure!
BEAN:	Okay, do we have like, a timeline for this adventure? I kinda, eh, I—I just, I, huh. You know what? Just get on. Just get on the ship, and we’ll talk about it.
ZYN:	As quickly as safely possible.
BEAN:	Okay. Cool.
KACHE:	H—how much room you got on this there ship?
BEAN:	Well, there’s captain’s quarters, which, you know, I kinda just have my little sleep roll laid out on it. I’m working on furnishing it, so maybe when we get paid, I’ll get myself like a little futon. I don’t know.
KAYA:	So are we talking, are we talking like merchant ship size, Normandy size, smaller than Normandy size, give us a little bit of a—
LEAH:	Smaller than Normandy. I’m thinking there’s like a captain’s quarters and then there’s probably like three other rooms that could be used as rooms to stay in, and then, uh, like there’s the underbelly, where all of the, the reactor and the parts, engineering would be. Um, but I definitely think, it is a, a mite—a bit smaller than the Normandy. [laughing]
KAYA:	A little bit tight quarters.
LEAH:	Yes.
[sirens sound throughout]
STRAH:	Step away from the shuttle cruiser and put your tentacles on the ground. [gun cocks] 
WOODE:	I’m not gonna tell you again, put down that mass spectrometer. [flare fires] 
BRYCK:	This is the MRTC! Pull over and put your claws up! 
AD V/O:	Mass Relay Traffic Cops. Coming soon on the extranet.
[sirens fade out]
KAYA:	Are y’all bringing supplies?
HANS:	I was just gonna ask about that, because [Kaya laughing] you know I have written down that I have a couple of weapons, but I assumed I wasn’t bringing them to work because I don’t exactly have pockets. [laughter] Or like a heavy overcoat that I could use to cover up a submachine gun and a pistol…
[laughing]
JD:	I want to see a hanar in an overcoat. I want to see that so bad. 
KAYA:	Yeah.
JD:	With the collar popped as well.
KAYA:	Yeah.
CHASE:	Yes.
[laughter]
HANS:	I think I need to borrow, uh, the fedora.
JD: 	[chuckling]
KAYA:	Okay, so yes, I—I’m assuming at this point Zyn maybe hangs back and say—thinks, “Wait a minute. Hmm, maybe we shouldn’t just leave.”
HANS:	[alarmed] This is going too quickly!
KAYA:	I do not—“this one does not wish to engage in this friendship this deeply at this time.”
[HUNTER laughs]
KAYA:	Okay. All right. I will give you guys the opportunity here you can each, you can make a skill check of some sort if you want to gather information, if you want to gather supplies, anything like that. We’ll just go quick around the, around the circle. Um, um, and that y’all can just— you’ll pick up whatever you need, whatever you think you need. And please do keep track, because this is not one of those campaigns where be like, ‘yeah, you totally have food that just magically appeared.’ Like, no, you need rations, you need supplies, uh, if y—you’re going out in the, into, into space, um, and so, if anybody has an idea for what they want to do, chime in, and then we’ll just go around. If nobody does, I will just pick somebody random on my screen and make them go first. I see Carver. Go.
HUNTER:	Um, w—would I just roll for as far as you said like gaining like s—er, going and like getting supplies and stuff like that. What would I—
KAYA:	Uh, if you’re wanting— and I’m also assuming that anybody who wants to go back to their domicile will do so to get their weapons or whatever if they haven’t already gotten them, that— you can just take that as, as a given.
HUNTER:	Okay.
KAYA:	Um, which I think Gratch is just, I think Gratch just has everything [Hunter laughs] on his person at all times. Is just fine.
CHASE:	[overlapping] Fully armored up. I gots the weapons, yup.
KAYA:	Love it. Uh, Carver, if you want, I would like you to do a specific skill check for what you are gathering, and so if you’re like buying supplies, that would probably be some sort of a Persuasion check.
HUNTER:	Okay.
KAYA:	Um, JD, what’s up?
JD:	Kache would like to ask Bean if there’s anything their ship needs.
KACHE:	Hey, you need fuel for this there bucket?
BEAN:	Oh! Darling, you’re so sweet. Um, I did just fill her up awhile back, but if you want to pitch in towards the next run I would really, really appreciate that. Uh, I, I, I have some food to feed myself, but I definitely am gonna, you know fer…
KAYA:	[overlapping] That ain’t gonna feed anybody else in this crew!
BEAN:	[overlapping] I don’t know if you want to do like a potluck situation or, oh. I haven’t done a potluck in like years. But, uh, sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. Anyway, food for— the, where I eat food, I just kinda have a stack of cans right now, but we could, we could pick out a box to put ‘em in. I don’t know. Um, that’s— that’s all.
KACHE:	Oh, what about weaponry?
BEAN:	Uh, well…
KACHE:	As in ship’s weaponry.
BEAN:	Oh, she’s got a laser gun. It works most of the time. Um, she’s glitchy. I was actually gonna go look and see if I can find a part, but uh, those things tend to cost some, some money, so I tend to see if there’s any broken ships that have them and then if I can get it from that ship, that’d be great.
KACHE:	Well, I got a few credits. Let me go with you and we’ll find something.
BEAN:	[touched] Okay. Thank you.
KAYA:	Point— point of lore, are you talking, like, Thanix, or are you talking GARDIAN lasers?
LEAH:	Uh, I was not talking Thanix. I was t— [laughter]
KAYA:	‘Kay.
[laughter]
LEAH:	That would be crazy. I would be like, yeah—
KAYA:	[deeply amused] I don’t know that the Valkyrie could handle a Thanix!
LEAH:	[tongue-in-cheek] By the way, the Valkyrie has Mass Effect 3 shields… [giggles]
JD:	[giggles]
KAYA:	[giggles]
LEAH:	[giggling] It can withstand a Reaper blast, uh, yeah.
KAYA:	[muttering, amused] Christ… [aloud] Okay. So we’re talking like small ship-to-ship combat GARDIAN lasers.
BEAN:	Yes. Yes, it has lasers, um, they function… questionably, and [laughter] but they function, sometimes!
KAYA:	Okay, alright, okay, okay. Uh, okay, I’m gonna go hop back to Carver real qui—real quick and then we’ll be back to JD.
HUNTER:	I—I just had a quick, like uh GM question.
KAYA:	Yup.
HUNTER:	Um, so,
KAYA:	Sure.
HUNTER:	Um, I know you said that like assuming we’ve all gone back to like to get like our like gear and stuff.
KAYA:	Mm-hmm.
HUNTER:	With me being grounded, does that like affect anything? Or am I able to just still go get that?
KAYA:	You can—you can still go back to HQ and go to the barracks, and get your stuff.
HUNTER:	[overlapping] Okay. Sweet.
KAYA:	[overlapping] They haven’t barred you from the premises.
HUNTER:	[overlapping] Cool, cool. I—
KAYA:	[overlapping] You’re just not on duty at the moment.
HUNTER:	—just wanted to double check. Okay.
KAYA:	Yup. Fair enough. Yes, JD.
JD:	Uh, If we’re going to, like a shipyard to find parts…
KAYA:	Yup.
JD:	Eh, could I use my “I know a guy” to—
KAYA:	Yeah, absolutely!
JD:	[overlapping] To do a little bit more black market-y kind of shipyard stuff?
KAYA:	[overlapping] [enthusiastic] Absolutely, you can.
JD:	[overlapping] To see if we can find some stuff that’ll work a bit better?
KAYA:	Yes.
JD:	And could I also, as part of that try to find, you know, there’s like, [sighs] I think it’s in [Mass Effect] 3, you’ve got those, uh, stationary, um, like…
KAYA:	Like a turret?
JD:	Yeah, like it’s a tripod with a, with a bigger gun on it that you
KAYA:	[overlapping] Yeah.
JD:	[overlapping] Wouldn’t be able to carry normally. Um,
KAYA:	[overlapping] Yeah.
JD:	Could I find some, uh, that, so for flying over something we can kind of open the doors and boo-dju-dju-dju-dju [gun noises].
KAYA:	Sure!
HANS:	Like a door gun?
JD:	Boo-dju-dju-dju-dju [gun noises].
KAYA:	Yeah, yeah, you can, you can go find, find yourself a stationary, stationary gun platform, Absolutely.
JD:	Just as an extra to the lasers as well.
KAYA:	Yeah, um, I will say that I will ask you to do some sort of a Persuasion roll to determine how much it’s gonna cost you.
JD:	Sure.
KAYA:	Um, but I think that you would get, you’ll get a bonus on that ’cause you’re using your “I know a guy,” um, background feature.
JD:	Cool.
KAYA:	So, yeah. What, whatever, whatever skill check you want to do for that, let me know, and then we can do that. Um, Chase, what’s up?
CHASE:	So, Gratch is going to come back out with a armful of cans and like,
GRATCH:	How do you open this? Arr, arr, arr, arr, arr. [mimicking sound of Gratch attempting to chew the cans open]
CHASE:	He’s just dropping them as they go, is like,
GRATCH:	I’m hungry. Where’s the food?
LEAH:	Um, Bean kinda pulls out one of those, it’s not a can opener, but it’s like, you like put it on the edge of the can, you like, punctures the can, and I just hand it.
KAYA:	Bean could probably do that with Bean’s talons.
LEAH:	Oh!  Fuck yeah. Sorry, I do that. I do that. I just [ch, ch] and rip it open and hand it back. And just—
GRATCH:	Just gonna drink it. [Gratch drinking noises].
LEAH:	[Laughs]
GRATCH:	This is gross. We need better food.
BEAN:	Uh, w-well, we’re actually gonna head out uh for some, some rations if you would  like to uh help us pick out some food to your, your flavor uh preferences, and… I-I-I don’t really mind the—
GRATCH:	[decisive] Yes.
BEAN: 	—what you just ate, but that’s, that’s okay. I-I , you know, I’m not the end all be all, so, um, cool, cool, cool, cool. Uh, we’re gonna go shopping with… people.
KAYA:	[overlapping] Okay, so they’re, they’re going shopping. Uh, [chuckles] Hunter?
HUNTER:	Um, so, a-are we like splitting up to go like grab different things, or are we all…
KAYA:	Sounds like, yeah. Sounds like people are splitting up.
HUNTER:	Would it make sense if I were to go to like HQ and get like, like MREs essentially. Uh, so I feel like would I be able to like requisition that? Like would that make sense, or like…
KAYA:	Um, you can, you can try. Uh, if you’re gonna find somebody amenable to giving you some, because that’s sort of like—I don’t know that they’re gonna just hand out a pile of MREs, but you can ask.
HUNTER:	Okay.
KAYA:	And depending on how you roll for Persuasion, yeah. Sure.
HUNTER:	Sweet. Okay, yeah. I’m gonna try that then. To see if I can…
KAYA:	Okay, while those folks are, are sorting out their stuff, um, excellent, JD… Uh, I’m gonna check in with Zyn and Titoh. What are you guys wanting to do?
CHÉ:	Um, well, I’m, I’m, I’m keen to go on the food run. Uh, I’ve got most of what I own already like—
KAYA:	‘Kay.
CHÉ:	—on my person. I travel pretty light, so yeah. I’ll go on the food run.
KAYA:	[overlapping] Okay, cool. Alright, you’re going on the food run. And Zyn, what’s Zyn doing?
HANS:	Okay, I have to go back to my place to get my stuff, um being my armor and my weapons, because, [clears throat] that I’ve purloined probably on the black market in a Blasto cosplay fantasy.
[laughter]
HANS:	And I’m also going to return to the museum to talk to, um, Leili about funding this mission.
LEAH:	[teasing] Yeah. He’s going to the ‘museum’ to see ‘Leili’. I see you.
[JD laughs]
KAYA:	[mumbling in amused disbelief] Oh, Jesus Christ…
LEAH:	I see you Zyn. Go get it. Go get it!
[laughter]
JD:	Before Zyn leaves, eh, Kache’ll also say, 
KACHE:	I see there you ain’t got no pockets, but I got a little bit of room in my armor, ’cause my hump ain’t grown in yet. So if you want to stash some things in there, I’ll carry it around for yeh.
ZYN:	That is most generous and observant of you.
KAYA:	That’s so sweet.
ZYN:	And I hand, and I hand him the uh datapad. Keep this safe.
KAYA:	[gasping in realization] Which he’s just been carrying around this whole time. Oh, my god, okay!
GRATCH:	Gratch wants Blast-Os—my favorite cereal—and varren meat.
KAYA:	[laughing]
CHÉ:	Uh—
GRATCH:	The best foods.
CHÉ:	I bought the cheapest food available. I’d be happy with MREs.
KAYA:	[in the background] I love this so much.
LEAH:	[overlapping] I’m also fine with that.
HUNTER:	[overlapping] I’m also gonna grab MRE’s.
CHÉ:	Cheap ramen, ramen, just—whate—you know. Packet ramen. That’s it.
[laughter]
LEAH:	[overlapping] Stuff that’ll store and stay dry on the ship would be great.
[laughter]
KAYA:             Yeah, you guys are like going to like K-Mart, it’s the Citadel version of K-Mart. Yeah.
[laughter]
CHÉ:	Don’t worry. I’ll spice it up. I’ll make it good.
KAYA:	Titoh, I’ll say that’s like a hundred credits, and you’re probably set for several weeks, if you’re buying, like, ramen.
CHÉ:	I’ll buy some other ingredients…
KAYA:	[overlapping] Um.
CHÉ:	[overlapping] Just to, uh, you know, kick it up a notch.
KAYA:	[overlapping] Blast-Os…
CHÉ:	Yeah.
KAYA:	Yeah, sure. Yeah. Sure, sure. But I say, like, you could probably like—a hundred credits, and you’re pretty well set. Um, Blast-Os and varren meat: I’m pretty sure varren meat is canonically like five credits for like a slab [chuckles], so I’m gonna say like twenty-five creds, uh, wha—, I guess I suppose it depends on how much Gratch is gonna eat. Uh, [laughs].
GRATCH:	[overlapping] Gratch eats lots.
KAYA:	[overlapping] But, so, the, I’ll leave that up to you. I–it’s five credits a varren leg…varren haunch…varren ham, like those guys are big. And, you don’t have any trouble finding, you know where you buy your varren meat.
GRATCH:	So—
KAYA:	And I’m sure that they probably sell Blast-Os as well.
GRATCH:	Seventy-five credits for varren meat, and a hundred and twenty-five credits in [Kaya laughs] Blast-Os.
LEAH:	I wanna make a note that, while Bean is not like buying super expensive stuff, like they’re very, very clearly excited that there’s gonna be people aboard their ship, so they’re just kind of like haphazardly like pouring stuff into their cart, and just being like—
[laughter]
LEAH:	I dunno if people like this! Maybe! [grunt of tossing item into cart] [laughs] I can’t actually eat this, it’s not the right kind of food, heh. [laughs]
KAYA:	Aw, that makes me so happy. Uh, is Zyn bringing their own food?
HANS:	Yes. I’m not sure that anyone realizes that hanar do eat, and I don’t know actually what hanar eat or drink—
KAYA:	Make it up.
HANS:	Yes, I will, I will probably retrieve a couple weeks worth of preserved supplements for myself.
KAYA:	[can’t decide if she wants to know or not] …Is it fish food?
[laughter]
HANS:	Yeah, it’s probably, yeah, it’s probably, I could probably go to like, you know, the local, um ethnic mart and get uh bonito flakes, and that would probably be fine.
KAYA:	Perfect.
JD:	I–I was going to say, if I’m with Bean whilst they’re just throwing things in a cart, if Kache sees anything that just isn’t suitable for any of us, could he like whilst Bean isn’t looking—
[giggling]
JD:	Just subtly take—do you want like a Stealth?
[overlapping laughter]
JD:	To take that stuff out and put it back on the shelves?
KAYA:	Roll me a Stealth to see—well, I want you to roll me a Stealth, and Bean, I want you to roll me a Perception.
LEAN:	Oh god, okay. Hold on… I should roll, is what you’re sayin’? [chuckles]
[HUNTER laughs]
KAYA:	You should roll!
LEAH:	Hee hee hee hee! [singsong silly laughter]
KAYA:	Oh, you guys have been all over that. I don’t think anybody said it once in the 2189 session.
[overlapping laughter]
JD:	Uh, eighteen for Stealth.
KAYA:	Ok— ohhkay.
LEAH:	Three?
[laughter]
CHASE:	Oblivious.
JD:	Success!
[laughter]
KAYA:	Yes, I’d say you successfully retrieve things and put them back, and Bean is none the wiser, far too excited about what’s going on.
[JD laughs]
KAYA:	Um, okay. I will next check in on those Repair and Networking… So the Networking, um, beautiful. You find exactly who you’re looking for. It’s somebody that you’ve dealt with before. Uh, maybe somebody from Tuchanka or like a connection of a connection. [clears throat] And you, uh, this guy he finds you exactly what you’re looking for uh, and cuts you a deal. And so I’ll say that you get a turret that’s it’s— it’s secondhand, it’s seen a little bit of wear, but still perfectly serviceable, and he gives you, and he tosses in a couple of ammo  blocks, um, just, you know, as freebies, ’cause he likes you, he likes the cut of your jib. And I’ll say you get that turret for… seven hundred and fifty creds. Um, and you guys were looking— you were looking for a part for the GARDIAN system, correct?
LEAH:	Yes.
KAYA:	Okay. Um he also, he does find that for you as well. Ah, he’s very specific that, um, it is not a part for a GARDIAN laser, wink, wink. It is definitely a cartridge for an inkjet printer, wink, wink. Um [laughs] he slides you a crate that is very clearly marked with the Turian Hierarchy symbol. Uh—
LEAH:	[overlapping] Bean is not very good with letters.
[laughter]
KAYA	[overlapping] This is…
LEAH:	And is gonna go,
BEAN:	[whispering in awkward horror] I don’t have a printer…
[laughter]
JD:	[sputtering] Kache speaks up and says,
KACHE:	It’s okay. Better replace the part than sign up to one of them ink subscriptions, that’s how they get you, ya understand? I’m sure you’ll make it work for the GARDIAN system though.
BEAN:	Oh— [gasp] OHHH ohhh! I will make it—I—
LEAH:	I look at the—
BEAN:	I will make it work, yep! I will…print so many things.
KAYA:	[laughing] With a very clearly falsified, but very well falsified bill of like a lading bill, bill of sale that definitely lists ‘secondhand turret, inkjet cartridge, yes it’s this big in this crate, don’t ask questions, it’s fine’, um, you complete your shopping.
HANS:	It’s for a plotter. You know, those cartridges are huge.
KAYA:	Yeah, they’re, yeah they’re absolutely huge.
LEAH:	How much— how much was the GARDIAN part—
KAYA:	[overlapping] Sorry, what?
LEAH:	How much was it? The groceries and the—
KAYA:	[overlapping] Oh shit, I didn’t say—
LEAH:	[overlapping] —cartridge.
KAYA:	Um, I will say that it was, yeah. Uh, the groceries I will say probably [clears throat] I’ll give you 250 credits—
LEAH:	[overlapping] ‘Kay.
KAYA:	— for all of that. Food is not usually terribly expensive. And the GARDIAN laser part inkjet cartridge, um, I’ll say a thousand. It’s a pretty specialized—
LEAH:	[overlapping] Okay.
KAYA:	—part, and we’re talking black market, y’know, military ‘castoff’. Um, okay! Is there anything else that you guys wanted to pick up? Or are you guys good?
CHASE:	Can we get more omni-gel? And medi-gel? Or is three—
KAYA:	[overlapping] You can, yes— 
CHASE:	[overlapping] — is three our max?
KAYA:	[overlapping] —no you can, no you can. You can take three with you at any given time currently—that’s your inventory cap—but you can definitely have some in like, your ship inventory for sure. That also extends to other weapons as well, so if you have more weapons than you want to carry at any given time you can store them in your ship inventory and then take them and swap them out.
CHASE:	Ah, price on—price on medi-gel/omni-gel?
KAYA:	Ohhhh, what did I sa— I think I, I think I did a flat hundred for like five of each or something like that. So like twenty-five, um, so then it’d end up being twelve apiece, something like that.
CHASE:	So a hundred for five— eh— ‘kay.
KAYA:	Yeah, so a hundred for that— five omni-gel and five medi-gel will get you a hundred— will cost you a hundred total.
CHASE:	Oh, for both? Five—
KAYA:	[overlapping] Yeah.
CHASE:	—five each?
KAYA:	[overlapping] Yeah. 
CHASE:	Okay, well I’ll spend five hundred and get five stacks.
KAYA:	[overlapping] ‘Kay. Sounds good. Um… yes, Hunter.
HUNTER:	Do I need to still roll to like, get the MREs?
KAYA:	Yes please.
HUNTER:	Okay and you said that’s Persu—
KAYA:	Some sort of Persuasion, so Charm or Intimidate, depending on how you wanna roll.
HUNTER:	[overlapping] Oh, perfect. I get a plus five for Charm, so I’m definitely doing that one. Ah, so that’s a nine plus five, fourteen.
KAYA:	‘Kay! Okay, you mosey on up to the lovely requisitions officer on duty, uh, she looks a little tired, it’s maybe the end of her shift and ah, you sort— maybe a little awkwardly try to sweet talk her into givin’ you some—some MREs and she’s— she’s had a long day she’s like, “y’know what? Yeah, alright, alright. Okay, I mean it’s not like anybody likes this shit anyway.”
[HUNTER chortles]
KAYA:	So I will say that she, I mean, she charges you what any Alliance officer would do but she just sort of like, slides the paperwork under the table a little bit. Um, I’m gonna say— well, how much do you want?
HUNTER:	Ummmm, oh G-d, so whatever a reasonable amount for like, the crew would be.
KAYA:	Okay, um, I’ll say probably like, two hundred credits and you’d have like a month’s worth.
HUNTER:	Perfect.
KAYA:	Every— oh, and Zyn was gonna stop in at the museum, so let’s do that.
HANS:	And once we get back to the ship, before I forget, whenever I see Gratch discard one of those boxe— empty boxes of Blast-Os, I will be removing the picture of Blasto from it and keeping it in my own private stash because eventually I will probably wallpaper my quarters or my room or whatever with it.
CHASE:	[laughing] That’s a lot of Blast-Os.
HANS:	I’ll make a pastillage or something, I don’t know.
KAYA:	I love you guys so much. 
VI:	You have been listening to I Should Roll, Ride of the Valkyrie, Episode Two: Fish Flakes and Inkjet Printers.
Featuring the voices of: Hans Cummings as Zynamondan, Ché Grové as Titoh Raas, Chase Hutchison as Gratch, Hunter LaPaglia as Carver Fairbank, JD Kelly as Kache, Leah Ryan as Bean Gainian, and Kaya Renwick as everyone and everything else.
Music and sound effects are used under Creative Commons or royalty-free licenses. For the extended credits, please see the show notes, and for more information, please visit ishouldroll.com. Find us everywhere on social media at ishouldroll, and don’t forget to leave us a review.

I Should Roll is an intergalactic Improv Initiative production. This fan podcast is a transformative work and is not affiliated with Electronic Arts or BioWare. 

Thank you for listening. Have a pleasant day.