VI:	A podcast by the Intergalactic Improv Initiative. 
KAYA:	Ride of the Valkyrie, Episode Three: The Prettiest Vorcha at the Ball. Featuring the voices of Hans Cummings, Ché Grové, Chase Hutchison, Hunter LaPaglia, JD Kelly, Leah Ryan, and creator Kaya Renwick.
KAYA:	Get in, pyjak, we're going shopping! I should roll.
VI:	March 14th, 2184, Terran Universal Coordinated Calendar. The Citadel, Widow System, Serpent Nebula. Kithoi Ward, Museum District. The Most Serene Blossom of the Mind’s Dawning.
HANS:	Is Leili still up front, floating around, being glittery?
KAYA:	Yeah, she's wandering, floating around. There's still the C-Sec tape, but the officers have gone off to do other things. You can tell from her glittering, her flickering, over there, that she's basically left the museum closed for the day in sort of grieving over the loss of this beloved artifact that was bestowed upon her by her equally beloved and blessed benefactor.
JD:	Mysterious benefactor.
KAYA:	Yes.
ZYN:	Greetings, Leili. This one has news.
KAYA:	She swoops over.
LEILI:	Ohh, Zynamondan, do share: what wonderful news of your— 
KAYA:	[dissolves into cackling when she sees JD’s excessive hand gesturing imitating Leili] —sorry! JD— [laughs; JD chuckles]
LEILI:	[Kaya composes herself and tries again] Do share. What news of your wonderful quest?
ZYN:	This one has a lead. It appears that the thief took the artifact to Tayseri Ward, then left the Citadel. This one has procured a ship and a crew to chase after the thief. However, this one needs…  funding.
[LEAH giggles]
KAYA:	I would like you to give me a Charm roll, please.
HANS:	Okay. And I have an Aspect, “The Gods Told Me”: any time I try to convince a fellow believer of something, take advantage on the Charm check.
KAYA:	Yeah, absolutely. I never thought that Aspect would actually get used. I'm so glad it is. [chuckles]
HANS:	[chuckles] Let's see if I did this correctly in Foundry. Two d20… d20 with advantage. So it should roll them and not add them up. [in disbelief] Oh my God, I rolled two threes! [exasperated] Foundry, I—Foundry, this one invites you to perform an anatomically impossible reproductive act! 
[EVERYONE laughs]
HANS:	[disgusted] For rolling two threes with advantage.
KAYA:	Do you add anything to those checks?
HANS:	Oh, wait. That was Charm. Yeah, I add plus two so I rolled a five.
KAYA:	Thank God, because that was the DC. [giggles] She's not hard to convince, [giggles] but I would have laughed very hard if you didn't manage it on a DC 5.
[LEAH & CHASE laugh]
KAYA:	So, she—she listens intently, all of her, her glittering just slows, she’s so, oh— 
LEILI:	It is wonderful that you have found word of the location of our missing artifact. Naturally, the Enkindlers encourage funding and generosity of such quests as these. Anything you require, this one will of course provide within this one's means.
ZYN:	That is most excellent. This one has hired a ship, a pilot, several other…independent contractors—
[KAYA snorts]
ZYN:	—to serve as assistants. [clears throat] And this one will need to purchase food, as this one does not believe the others understand that hanar need to eat.
KAYA:	She bobs very solemnly. I'm going to ask you to do one more Persuasion roll, just to see how much you're going to get from her. 
HANS:	Okay.
KAYA:	And you—you might want to not roll in Foundry this time, man.
HANS:	Yeah, let's try a real die. …I rolled a one!
[CHASE chuckles]
HUNTER:	Oh no!
[JD bursts out laughing]
KAYA:	[giggles] Would you like to spend an Effort Point?
HANS:	Do I have any? I do have some, yes.
KAYA:	Yes, you do. [stuttering over words] …You can roll again. Yeah.
HANS:	Okay, so that was Persuasion?
KAYA:	It would be Charm again.
HANS:	Charm—ooh, Charm. Is that—a sixteen!
KAYA:	Okay! She holds up a tentacle to—
LEILI:	Wait here. This one knows exactly what that one needs.
KAYA:	And she disappears into the admin office… and returns… and hands you a credit chit.
JD:	If it's museum vouchers, we're going to be very upset.
KAYA:	No, it, this is—
HANS:	Free admission for life.
[EVERYONE laughs]
KAYA:	She hands it over, and, I'm assuming, like—so, my personal headcanon for omnitools is either they’re implants or they’re bracelets. And so, I would imagine that most hanar have probably integrated their omnitool into their personal mass effect field generator that is just mysteriously invisible because BioWare didn't think about that one. [chuckles] And so, as she hands it over to you, you realize that this is essentially the museum's corporate credit card.
[HUNTER laughs]
LEILI:	Use this on your quest, Zynamondan, and may the Enkindlers bless your path.
ZYN:	This one is most honored at your… confidence in this one's ability. This one will not return until this one is successful.
JD:	Ah, so it’s exile, then.
[EVERYONE laughs]
KAYA:	Okay. Is there anything else that you want to ask her, or are we—are we good?
HANS:	I think we're good. 
KAYA:	Okay!
VI:	Aroch-Shalta Ward, private docks.
KAYA:	Does—Is there anything that anybody else wants to do before we set sail?
HANS:	Well, I'll need to go and buy some food. For me.
KAYA:	Yes. Sure. I—similar credit amounts. Write down whatever you want and—
HANS:	I'm using the corporate card for that.
KAYA:	Perfect. Love it. The first time you use it, it informs you that it doesn't have a limit.
LEAH:	Holy shit. [giggles]
CHASE:	Found our new group name: Black Card.
KAYA:	Yes, Hunter.
HUNTER:	So I'm assuming we were all kind of within earshot of this conversation, right?
KAYA:	[beat] Which conversation?
HUNTER:	Ohh, the—oh, so I'm—I'm seeing head shakes. Between Zyn and the—
KAYA:	No, this was Zyn’s solo check off to head over to the museum—
HUNTER:	[overlapping] Oh, dang it. 
KAYA:	—while we split up, and while the others were doing, like, the food run and you were off at HQ.
HUNTER:	Oh. Okay, never mind. Never mind. I was just gonna say that Carver was gonna be like, “Can I get lifetime tickets? Could that be thrown in as well?”
[EVERYONE laughs]
KAYA:	“I would like to learn!”
HUNTER:	Okay, never mind. That clears it up.
KAYA:	[amused] Ohhh dear… Okay, so yes, anybody want to do anything else before we all meet back up at the Valkyrie?
CHASE:	Grenades. How do we refill grenades?
KAYA:	There will be ammo crates in various locations, slash you can also buy them in various spots. 
CHASE:	Okay.
KAYA:	I will make sure that you guys have ammo crates, and if I don't say that there's one, you can probably assume that there's one nearby and ask me, and I'll point to a random spot on the map and be like, “Go get ammo there.”
CHASE:	[amused] Okay.
JD:	Before we go onto our next mission, can I save game? In case I need to make, like, a moral decision I want to change later?
[CHASE chuckles, KAYA cackles over the following]
HUNTER:	Yeah. Can we—are we, are we save-scumming?
CHÉ:	[overlapping] Okay. Yeah, do that checkpoint.
HUNTER:	If Astarion doesn't approve, can I reload save?
LEAH:	I feel so attacked.
[JD and CHASE chuckling]
KAYA:	I can't wait to see Evil's reaction when I say, “So the players want to initiate, like, a save game mechanic…” He’ll be like… just shake his head at me.
VI:	MSV Valkyrie.
KAYA:	Okay. So yes, we're all—we all meet back at the Valkyrie.
LEAH:	Do turians have thumbs?
KAYA:	…Yes, they have two talons and thumbs.
LEAH:	Okay, I'm gonna give—
KAYA:	And if you tape your fingers together like this, it actually—you can actually function quite well. I actually typed, like, reasonably—
[CHASE chuckles]
LEAH:	[uhhh] Okay. 
KAYA:	It works better than you think it would. 
LEAH:	[is my DM okay?] Interesting.
KAYA:	[unrepentant nerd] Yes, I tried it.
[EVERYONE rightfully laughing at KAYA]
CHASE:	Now you have to play every game like that.
LEAH:	Let's play Dead by Daylight on hard mode later, boys, let’s go.
HUNTER:	Let’s go!
KAYA:	Why is—why are you asking if turians have thumbs?
LEAH:	When I see Zyn coming back [chuckles] from the museum, I just want to give him a—
KAYA: 	Ha!
[EVERYONE laughs]
LEAH:	—li’l thumbs up, a little attaboy.
HANS:	I hold up the credit chit. 
ZYN:	This has no limit. We are fully funded.
TITOH:	Oh, I could use that.
KAYA:	[laughs] Okay. Where are you going?
ZYN:	If this one has learned nothing from Blasto’s adventures, it is that any criminal activity will head to Omega.
KACHE:	Sounds good to me.
GRATCH:	[awkward] Um. That might be a problem.
KAYA:	I literally wrote in my plot notebook I really hope for some reason we go to Omega so that we can have a wonderful, wonderful opportunity for Gratch.
GRATCH:	Gratch not exactly welcome in Omega. 
HUNTER:	[through laughter] Oh, no! 
GRATCH:	Gratch killed Aria’s favorite volus, and she, um, um… That's why Gratch on Citadel. 
JD:	Kache goes up to Gratch with a solemn look, puts a hand on Gratch's shoulder and says,
KACHE:	[gruff krogan comfort] Well, it was only a volus.
GRATCH:	[right??] That's what I said!
BEAN:	Sorry, who’s Aria?
GRATCH:	Aria T’Loak. She's like the leader. She's the—she's strongest. One day I killed Aria. [Gratch not need grammar!] I will kill Aria. ’Cause Gratch strongest. But not yet.
BEAN:	[mildly concerned for their own wellbeing] Okay.
ZYN:	This one heard that one should not plan to perform sexual acts with Aria.
GRATCH:	No. Doesn't usually work out well.
ZYN:	However, this one has a solution for Gratch. We will disguise you.
GRATCH:	[intrigued] Ooh!
BEAN:	[prolonged, delighted gasp] Oh my gosh, I've seen a space serial like this once and it was real good. Oh, I have some—I have some crushed red beans that we could use as, like, lipstick or, or, or we could grind up some grease and, like, smear it on you. I have ideas. We could do it. I'm excited about this.
GRATCH:	You make Gratch pretty?
ZYN:	This is an excellent suggestion. This one read a Blasto fanfic where Bubin disguised himself as his sister Honey by procuring makeup and applying it. Judiciously.
TITOH:	He could probably just wear a helmet as well…
GRATCH:	Whatever works!
[KAYA breathlessly laughing in the background]
HUNTER:	At this point, Carver is so confused about what the fuck is happening. He's just, he's just here. He's just like, “Alright, sure!”
KAYA:	Okay. Do we want to do anything on the way to Omega?
GRATCH:	[deeply satisfied] Make Gratch pretty.
[more group laughter]
LEAH:	Oh, I need to—I need to actually put the part. I'm assuming on the way to Omega I'll work on the ship and—
KAYA:	Okay, okay. Yeah, sure. On the way there, you—you mostly do that while you're in the queue to the relay. Yes, JD.
KACHE:	Well, if you're going to be fixing the damn ship, who can fly the damn ship?
BEAN:	Ohh, I-I-I’m an okay pilot. I've been flying her since, since she was flyable—
[KAYA snorts]
BEAN:	—so I-I can do it. If anybody else is, like, real good at it, I would—I would want to watch you, you know, for the first couple of runs just to make sure you handle her nice and, and you don't, you know— she, she doesn't like it when you, when you tug on her too bad. So I'll be a little, a bit, a little bit watchful, but I'm—I-I could, I could, I could let someone else fly her. I guess.
GRATCH:	[twist my rubber arm]  Okay. Okay. 
BEAN:	Maybe?
HANS:	This one is surprisingly proficient at Repair and Flight.
BEAN:	[overlapping] Thank you. Yeah.
GRATCH:	[overlapping] No, no, no, I got it. I'll fly ship for you.
[KAYA erupts with a laugh]
TITOH:	[overlapping; oh fuck no] Uh, wait, no—Gratch? You sit back. 
BEAN: 	[overlapping; panicked, let’s not do that??] No, I mean, uh, anybody else want to volunteer to, I don’t know—
TITOH:	I can figure it out. How hard could it be?
GRATCH: 	[relenting] Oh, okay.
BEAN:	[relieved but definitely not showing it] Okay!
KAYA:	So a trip to Omega, not actually all that much flying involved. You're gonna go from the Citadel docs to the Widow System relay and the Widow System relay to—I think you can do it in two jumps to the Omega Nebula, and then from there it's just to Omega. …She is relay-worthy, right? 
LEAH:	[hesitant] Usually?
KAYA:	[WHAT] Usually?! She's usually relay-worthy? Oh, shit! Okay. 
[CHASE snickering in the background]
LEAH:	[overlapping] [laughs] Oh, shit. Listen…
KAYA:	You realize that in saying that I am making you make a Luck check for every relay, right?
LEAH:	She's reliable, like, depending on the time of the month. She's got me this far. So, yes.
KAYA:	[overlapping] Two straight D20 rolls, please, for two relays between here and Omega. You have brought this on yourself.
LEAH:	Fuck me… [laughs] I should have kept my mouth firmly shut.
JD:	I imagine it's like the Millennium Falcon, where just sometimes they would try to go to hyper speed; just doesn't happen! You just gotta fly around for a bit and hit things until it starts working again.
LEAH:	[Hail Mary mother of grace be with us sinners in the hour of our need…] Okay, I'm gonna roll, uh, my dice now. Two d20s, same time. I’m just…
GRATCH:	Titoh, you look lucky. You fly?
TITOH:	When I need to, yeah. I do a lot of things.
LEAH:	Okay, actually, I got an eighteen and a fourteen and I don't know what I add to it. It's just Luck.
KAYA:	Both—both of those are good, and so nothing breaks as you go through both relays. You're okay.
TITOH:	We're okay, guys.
LEAH:	I'm like, I'm like, petting the ship. I'm like, 
BEAN:	I knew you could—you're so, you’re so good to me. 
LEAH:	And I'm like, giving it kisses on the hull.
JD:	[overlapping, dying of laughter] I do that to my car! Up hills, I'm like, “You got this, buddy, you got it. Just keep going. It’s okay!”
KAYA:	On the way there, I would like—who is involved in making Gratch pretty?
LEAH:	Absolutely I am.
CHÉ:	I—yeah, I'm just curious to how this works and it's just funny to me, so.
[CHASE chuckling in the background]
KAYA:	Okay, I would like anybody who wants to be involved in making Gratch pretty to make a Performance check.
CHÉ:	Okay.
LEAH:	Holy shit.
GRATCH:	Don't get it on my teeth. Gratch has pretty teeth.
JD:	Whilst they're doing those checks, Carver—is Carver now in like military armor, like ready for a mission?
KAYA:	Yeah. Are you in your, are you in your brand spankin’ new N7 armour?
HUNTER:	Brand spankin’ new. Yeah, I tossed that—I tossed it on like, as I was leaving the barracks with a handful of MREs.
LEAH:	Y'all, I am so happy to announce I got a nat twenty.
CHASE:	[overlapping] Yes, yes!
HUNTER:	[overlapping] Let’s go!
KAYA:	[overlapping] FUCK yeah! Love it. What about you—what about you, Titoh?
CHÉ:	Fourteen.
KAYA:	Okay! Okay, so, I mean that would have been—that would have been good anyway, but with a nat twenty? Gratch is walking out, like…you guys have put together a spiffin’ disguise. Gratch, how do you want to be disguised?
JD:	Beautifully.
GRATCH: 	Gratch want to be prettiest vorcha in the ball.
[LEAH laughs]
KAYA:	Okay. So you guys have managed to cobble together like—one of you, you had one of those, like, asari dresses in the back, right? You know, like you're not really sure where— it’s just, it's, you know, you might have used it as, as like packing…
CHÉ:	It's one of my old disguises. I just—it's in my bag of disguises and it's…
KAYA:	Perfect. There you go. Yeah. There you go. So—and surprisingly, with a little bit of adjustment, it fits Gratch, like, reasonably well.
CHASE: 	Is it over my armour? I do wear heavy armour.
KAYA:	I don't know. Is it over your armour?
GRATCH:	[tickled pink] Yes.
KAYA:	[God help us all] Okay, so… a fully armoured vorcha in an asari dress that you guys have somehow managed—
LEAH:	Oh, no, he’s hot! [laughs]
KAYA:	[gradually lapsing into preppy teenage girl cadence] —to alter to fit… And like, the colors work pretty well, and you found like, your, like, your old makeup, like a disguise makeup kit, and whatever. And so, like, Gratch has some really nice eyeliner going on. Some, like, some nice wings—
CHÉ:	[overlapping] Slay. [giggles]
KAYA:	—and a perfectly contoured—great shades, really highlighting— 
LEAH:	[overlapping] Smoked out. 
KAYA:	Are we like, are we putting a wig on him? What’s the—
CHÉ: 	[overlapping] Do vorcha have hair?
JD	I'm thinking, I think, like the glue-on…
KAYA:	Yes, yeah. [overlapping] Ohh, totally, totally. There's glue-on eyelashes.
JD:	[overlapping] Eyelashes as well. Just real nice curl.
GRATCH:	Gratch’s eyes be blue?
BEAN:	Gratch, do you want a wig?
GRATCH:	Yes!
KAYA:	[stammers] We can have colored contacts. Sure, we’ve got colored contacts and a wig. Why the fuck not? [laughs]
GRATCH: 	Gratch like long hair.
KAYA:	Okay, Gratch, do you have a preference of color? I'm going to say that with a nat fuckin’ twenty, we discovered like a fancy color-changing wig, and we're like, shoulder-length, wavy, curly sort of thing in whatever color you please.
GRATCH:	… Purple.
KAYA: 	Beautiful. Beauti—[interrupts self with breathless laughter] My God… Somebody draw this.
HUNTER: 	Greg!
[EVERYONE dissolves into laughter]
TWO CHUNKAS VO:	Have hunger? Want one chunka? No! You need two chunkas for the price of one. Krogan take what they need. Get your chunks on Tuchanka.
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VI: 	Omega Nebula, Sahrabarik System, Omega.
KAYA:	And so, you guys, you dock at Omega. There's—there's no docking regulations at Omega, are you kidding me? You find a spot where you can, you know, plug your ship in and you hope nobody steals it on the way. And you all debark into the docking corridor—
GRATCH:	Wait, wait, wait. 
KAYA:	—oh?
GRATCH:	Gratch needs new name to match pretty Gratch face.
KAYA:	[indulgent and anticipatory] Of course!
GRATCH:	What should Gratch’s new name be?
TITOH:	…Gratchen.
GRATCH:	Gratchen! Gratchen loves Gra—Gratchen. Gratchen. Yeah.
[JD helplessly laughing]
KAYA:	[also dying] Oh my God… [valiant return to business] Okay! So! We have a hanar, a krogan, an N7 marine with very shiny black armour, I'm assuming, since it's brand fuckin’ new—Bean wearing their pink and yellow jacket, I'm presuming.
LEAH:	Yes, I want to note that there are multiple bullet holes in that jacket.
KAYA:	Good. Love it. Titoh, are you armored or no?
CHÉ:	Oh, right now I'm just wearing my regular, my regular clothes. 
KAYA:	Okay.
CHÉ:	Yeah. 
KAYA:	Okay. And…Gratchen.
[JD bursts out laughing again]
KAYA:	You all debark into the docking corridor of Omega. What are you doing? What is the plan?
CHÉ:	I'm strapping on as much weaponry as I can fit on my body. Got a few rations in my pack for when I get snacky; and anyone else gets snacky, I got you. Yeah.
JD:	What—what equipment does Zyn need?
HANS:	Well, I have—with my armour, I assume that there are harnesses and such where I can holster my pistol, and I'll just, and I can sling my—sling over shoulders I don't have—my submachine gun.
JD: 	You've got, like, the ridges.
KAYA:	Yeah. If somebody's managed to figure out how to armor a hanar, I think they probably figured out how to, like, magnetize the guns to it. So I think that's reasonable. It's probably got like a couple little hard case compartments that you can keep a couple of things in. Obviously, there's not a lot of real estate, but.
CHASE:	I probably can't fit all my guns under the dress. So maybe just the pistol, the  Executioner?
KAYA:	But on the flip side, this is Omega. You don't have to fit them under the dress.
CHASE:	That's true. 
GRATCH:	Gratch has all guns.
KAYA:	Okay.
GRATCH:	[deeply satisfied] Pretty and deadly.
KAYA:	Yes, precisely. Okay, you are on Omega. You have the resources of the criminal underworld at your disposal to find this Prothean artifact which Kasumi Goto may or may not have sto—somebody stole it. Where—where's your first stop?
[several beats; hm. guess we should have thought about this]
HANS:	We should find an information broker.
KAYA:	Probably wise.
JD:	In terms of backstory for Kache, he would have gone to Omega to get mercenary jobs. 
KAYA:	Sure.
JD:	But as I was on the Citadel, it may be a while since I've been back here. 
KAYA:	Sure. 
JD:	Would I—if I roll a Networking, would I know someone?
KAYA:	I'd say that's—yeah, I would say you would have a little bit of an advantage there, yeah. Sure.
JD: 	Cool. I rolled a fifteen with advantage.
KAYA:	Okay, cool! Yeah. So where on the Citadel you might have, like, Facebook Marketplace, that sort of thing—on Omega, it's Craigslist. That is the equivalent. And so you spend a little time, like, scrolling through your omnitool on the Omega Craigslist network and you find—it, it's like, “Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I worked—I did some stuff with this guy, she's got the goods.”

You take your—you take your new friends to… I was gonna say a dark and dingy part of Omega and then I realized that's literally every part of Omega. 
JD: 	[overlapping] That’s all of Omega, yeah.
[LEAH and HUNTER chuckle]
KAYA: 	Yes. But since you, into a back alley—again, all of Omega seems to be back alleys, but you know what I mean—and you find…
JD: 	Particularly dank.
KAYA:	Yes, a particularly dank area of Omega—
CHÉ: 	Dankest corner.
KAYA:	—and you knock the code pattern on the door, and it slides open and you have found the office of the quarian information broker who only goes by the name Cipher. And it is very much, like, imagine your classic hacker den with all of the conso—the monitors on the walls, and it's very dark, and, like, the only light is from the monitors, that sort of thing. It's small, it's big enough for you guys, but probably nobody else…and she turns around in her chair as you enter and has a fuck-off-big shotgun across her lap. She, she looks you over, all of you over and says,
CIPHER:	Kache. It is nice to see you again. What brings you to my…area of this little dumpster fire?
KACHE:	Hey there, Cipher. Good to see ya. Glad you still got that thing handy for close encounters.
CIPHER: 	Always.
[LEAH laughs]
KACHE: 	I've been hired by this floating pink thing here to find a little artifact. They can tell you more about it than I can.
KAYA:	She turns her gaze to you, Zyn.
ZYN:	This one is interested in information about a thief who stole a Prothean artifact from a museum on the Citadel. 
CIPHER: 	I see.
ZYN: 	The artifact is approximately the size of a biped’s skull. We believe the thief to be Kasumi Goto, however that honestly is pure speculation and this one wishes it was true, but this one is not certain it is true. But perhaps it is! Who can say?
JD:	I pass him the datapad as well.
CIPHER:	I require more information. When did this theft occur?
KAYA:	[wait, you don’t know that because I haven’t told you] You're probably coming up on, like, eighteen to twenty hours or so.
ZYN:	Eighteen to twenty hours ago.
[KAYA snickers]
CIPHER:	And you say it was on the Citadel. Do you have any idea where the thief might have gone from there?
ZYN:	Omega. [duh?] Because isn't that where all criminals head when they have something valuable to sell?
KAYA:	She kind of just stares at you for a minute. She doesn't say anything. And then she asks,
CIPHER:	What was the item stolen?
ZYN: 	A Prothean artifact the size of a biped’s skull.
CIPHER: 	[deadpan] You know nothing more than this. 
ZYN: 	[oh dear] No. But this one has this datapad! 
HANS: 	And I play the—I play the hanar portion.
KAYA:	She watches it. She nods and she says.
CIPHER: 	[long-suffering] Hanar make everything so fucking complicated.
[HANS snickers]
KAYA:	Anybody who would like to can make an Insight check.
CHASE:	Gratch’s best skill. 
JD:	I got a nat one. 
HANS:	I got a two!
KAYA:	Ha! Love it.
CHASE: 	I got a negative three.
JD:	[can’t breathe] Negative three!
KAYA:	[helpless amusement] Oh my God, you guys.
HUNTER:	I got a twelve.
CHÉ:	Eleven.
KAYA:	Okay. What did Bean get? 
LEAH: 	I got a thirteen.
JD: 	[laughing helplessly] Th—thank you. Sensible rolls…
KAYA:	Okay! So Titoh, Carver, and Bean can tell as this conversation is going on, particularly the point where Zyn says, “No, I don't know anything else,” that Cipher’s price has just, like, quadrupled.
HUNTER:	[oh god] Oh…
KAYA:	But she thinks it over for a moment. She plays with the handle of her shotgun. And then she says,
CIPHER: 	It will cost you, but I can find what you seek. What is your budget?
TITOH:	[hastily] Don't answer that.
ZYN:	This one has been instructed to not answer your question.
[LEAH and HUNTER laugh]
CIPHER: 	Then I do not think we will be able to do business.
KAYA:	And now she's looking very intently at you, Titoh.
TITOH:	[clears throat] Well, we do know things, but… um… We don't… [get your shit together, girl] Okay. Tell us your price, and we will negotiate from there. 
CHÉ:	And she just narrows her eyes at you.
KAYA:	Give me either a Charm or an Intimidate roll.
CHÉ:	I'll go for Cha—wait… Let's go for Charm for now.
KAYA: 	Okay.
LEAH: 	Let's go, Titoh!
CHÉ:	Okay… Oh, math. Twenty. Dirty twenty.
LEAH: 	Nice!
KAYA:	Her demeanor shifts as she recognizes somebody who knows how to negotiate. And there's a little bit of respect…and you can tell because she was, like, leaning back in her chair, and she just straightens a little bit. She's taking you a little bit more seriously.
CIPHER: 	My opening price will be thirty thousand credits.
TITOH: 	I see you.
ZYN: 	[tempting] What if this one told you this one could also include a lifetime pass to The Most Serene Blossom of the Mind’s Dawning in Kithoi Wards on the Citadel?
TITOH:	[overlapping; you big…stupid…jellyfish] Shh—Zyn! Shhh.
BEAN:	It's a very exclusive brothel.
ZYN:	[firmly] It is not a brothel.
KAYA:	[through laughter] She looks at—between this exchange and she says,
CIPHER: 	I do not know what that is. And if it is a brothel… 
KAYA: 	She just sort of motions to the envirosuit.
ZYN:	It is a brothel for your mind. You do not need to remove your environmental suit.
[LEAH cackles]
KAYA:	And then turns back to Titoh.
CIPHER: 	You were saying?
TITOH: 	What my friend is trying to say is that this mission will incur great treasure. That is why we’re all in it, so… You could get a cut of the proceeds if you help us. You lower your price now… and, look. We are trying to find a Prothean artifact. So I'm sure you know how valuable those are, being someone as learned as yourself.
JD:	Kache, ah, clears his throat in an obnoxious way [chuckles] and says,
KACHE:	Or as another opportunity, we could do you a favor for the information.
KAYA:	Cypher thinks all of this over, and she says,
CIPHER: 	You have intrigued me. Alright, I will play ball. Five thousand credits up front, for there are always operating costs. 
TITOH: 	Understandable.
CIPHER: 	You will owe me a favour. And I receive a thirty percent cut of your treasure.
GRATCH:	[violently interrupting] FIFTEEN PERCENT.
CHASE:	[anticipatory glee] Intimidation?
KAYA:	[oh hell yes] Roll it with advantage because you are a vorcha in a fucking ball gown and a wig.
CHÉ:	It's confusing and intimidating!
CHASE:	I got… twenty-six.
KAYA:	HA!
LEAH: 	[overenunciated] Holy cow. Oh my God, I love that.
KAYA:	[overlapping] [laughs] Yes! So, as, as—
CHÉ:	[overlapping] [laughs] I love Gratchen.
JD:	[overlapping] Ahaha, Gratchen. That's never gonna get not funny. [laughs]
KAYA:	Gratchen barks this out from sort of, like—I'm imagining Gratch sort of like in the rear. This is a small office, like, it's not big, and Kache was kind of in the lead because Kache knows Cipher, and so I'm imagining Gratchen just kind of like [CHASE and CHÉ snickering in the background] shoving Kache or like leaning over the sort of hump sorta deal, [imitates Gratch] “FIFTEEN!”—and Cipher [chuckles] startles just this tiny little bit, because if you've lived on Omega for long enough, you startle when vorcha jump! Like, it's a survival skill! But she keeps her cool and she looks at you… very visibly decides not to ask questions…
CHASE:	I want to note: it was an Intimidation check, but Gratchen thinks she's making a Charm check.
[HUNTER, CHÉ, LEAH, and KAYA dissolve into giggles]
JD:	Yes.
KAYA: 	Of course, of course she does. And she says,
CIPHER:	Well. Let me never be one to turn down a…pretty lady. [JD cackles] Fifteen percent it is. 
KAYA:	And I think we're gonna call it there, folks!
[applause, whooping]
CHASE:	Gratch is very proud of himself.
KAYA:	I bet he is!
VI:	You have been listening to I Should Roll: Ride of the Valkyrie. Episode Three: The Prettiest Vorcha at the Ball. Featuring the voices of Hans Cummings as Zynamondan, Ché Grové as Titoh Raas, Chase Hutchison as Gratchen, Hunter LaPaglia as Carver Fairbank, JD Kelly as Kache, Leah Ryan as Bean Gainian, and Kaya Renwick as everyone and everything else. 

Music and sound effects are used under Creative Commons or royalty-free licenses.
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I Should Roll is an Intergalactic Improv Initiative production. This fan podcast is a transformative work and is not affiliated with Electronic Arts or BioWare. 

Thank you for listening. Have a pleasant day. 
KAYA: 	Gratchen, stop trying to make fetch happen. It's not going to happen.